"The Girls High School State Tennis Meet" or, "How to Make Sure You're Not Creepy"

Thursday I had the amazing opportunity to watch my little sister compete at the State Tennis meet. A huge honor just to make it. And she's just a freshmen, and her doubles partner is a sophomore! So it doesn't sting that they lost both their matches in a row. They competed at a very high level and proved that they had earned the invitation. Look out for next year (and the year after and the year after...).

Okay, now that we got the mushy proud big brother moment out of the way, let me completely hijack this post into something else. The last couple posts here have been too heavy, time to totally wreck the mood. Fasten your seatbelt:


So my Dad and I were enjoying $3 hot dogs courtside at the tennis meet. It happened to be next to the merchandise table. Roughly 2/3 of my wardrobe is composed of t-shirts that commemorate some event, usually family vacations and sporting events. But as my Dad and I squinted at the memoribilia table, we realized that, although a nice gesture to go with the moment, we could never really wear t-shirts that say "Iowa High School GIRLS TENNIS State Tournament." Do you really want to walk down the street later and advertise "I went to, and wish to remember and commemorate, a High School Girl's __(fill in the blank with event)__." Just doesn't really work.

Usually, as a upper middle class white male, I walk in aloof confidence about my place in society. But musing about the slippery message of the t-shirts with my Dad made me realize that I was one of the only twentysomething males in attendence to the tournament. And I began to wonder if people were wondering about me. "Who's that creeper from the college who came here to ogle athletic high schoolers all day? Sicko!"

Which brings me to a helpful guide for today, should you ever find yourself in a similar situation. I present to you: The STOPLIGHT of Males attending Young Female Sporting Events

RED LIGHT
Don't do these. Ever. It's for your own sake and the sake of the people around you. You could have some public servants jump out of the bushes and read you your rights.
YELLOW LIGHT
Proceed with caution. You can get away with it... but... everyone will be thinking things. Things that you don't want them to think.
GREEN LIGHT
Go ahead and try these. Couldn't hurt. It'll throw people off your scent for sure.

RED: talking to girls you're not related to.
YELLOW: making eye-contact with girls you're not related to.
GREEN: staying within 10 feet of a relative, keeping your shoulders and probably your hips turned toward the family relation at all times

RED: wearing a trenchcoat and a mustache
YELLOW: wearing reflective sunglasses
GREEN: wearing a bike helmet

RED: Dressing in a suit and slicking back your hair
YELLOW: Dressing like an Express model, complete with brooding pouty facial expressions
GREEN: Dressing in a windbreaker jogging suit in bright school colors and carrying a clipboard

RED: telling the person running the concession stand you'd like to buy a gatorade for "that blonde on court 4, tell her it's from Rique."
YELLOW: buying candy from the concession stand and saying "I probably won't eat all of it, maybe I could just give some of this candy away. Everybody loves free candy!"
GREEN: smearing ketchup all over your face while you eat your hot-dog from the concession stand and leaving it on your chin until your mom wipes it off.

RED: sitting alone in the back of the bleachers with a telephoto lens
YELLOW: sitting courtside with a camera and saying things like "oh that's going to be one of my favorite shots" or "can you do that again, but flip your hair the other way?"
GREEN: periodically grabbing unsuspecting relatives and taking self portrait photos with your cell phone camera and the victim that's related to you

There you have it, folks. Keep these guidelines in mind and you'll be sure to make the next event in no way awkward and in every way a family favorite. We're pulling for you.